#4: How I lost 45 kg, from the very beginning...

I've been wanting to write about my weight loss journey 

for a very long time

but wasn't sure where? or how?

 or if anyone would actually be interested at all..

But since I finally created a blog at last, 

let's not procrastinate anymore(:

this may be a long post and i may cry as i type

but here it goes

.

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Lil Me

Well, i've been overweight or 'chubby' 

if you put it in a nice way...all my life.

I don't have fond memories of primary school.

I still remember clearly the first day of it...

we sat around a square table and was given some work to do

one of the girls at the table was sharing her colour pencils with everyone,

except me

"ew i don't wanna lend her, girls dont talk to her"

just like that, i was outcast by the rest

honestly, i hold no grudges against that girl

we were all once young and ignorant

throughout primary school, people always made fun at my name..

my chinese name is Yuan Xiao Nan. 袁晓楠

and if you're chinese, you'll probably understand why..

its pronunciation literally translates into "Round Small Boy"

so yeah. i was fat. and had short hair. so yeah.

after PSLE, i visited my relatives overseas.

as a 'treat' for completion of primary school.

I love my relatives, really. and I know they feel the same too.

it's just that sometimes older aunties tend to be a little...over-chit-chatty...

I overheard them on the phone,

"aiyooo, they must have spoil her real bad. she looks so fat and ugly now"

 I cried.

I was a 12yo girl, without my parents, 

in a foreign country where I'll have to stay at for another month,

with people whom I thought I could rely on, & love me for who I am no matter.

it was terrible.

2009 - Secondary School

Secondary school was the total opposite.

It was definitely a period that I hope will never end.

Fooled around, joked and laughed every single day. 

Though teachers must have hated me, I was a terrible student. HAHA.

 Most importantly,

I gained true friends whom loved me for me 

& will be stuck with me for LIFE!!

-evil laughter-

April 2010 -  First few days of Poly.
Gained ALOT of weight during the O levels period.

Entering Poly was a nightmare for me, being in all-girls schools the entire life before.

Boys were a species that I never had contact with EVER.

I swear I didn't have a single guy contact in my phone nor in my fb friends list

I was afraid of them

What if they decide to outcast me as well?

Thankfully, Boys turned out to be a wonderful bunch

I hanged out with a huge group of 'brothers'

they are damn hilarious i swear

I'm always the 'joker' among my girlfriends

but with the guys, I can finally rest my mouth and pass this role onto them (:

though the people's great. the school's great. life's great. and all.

I admired how girls could doll up and wear pretty clothes to school...

I wanted to be like them.

for the entire first term of poly,

all I wore was a polo and berms. every single day. 

Had 6 Hang Ten polos, same design, different colours, 

3 black. 1 red. 1 dark blue. 1 purple.

and 3 pairs of berms.

also, I had my first crush here.
He was witty, slim-built and light. 
I felt that I wasn't good enough to like him.

A close friend of mine once said,

"if you can lose weight, pigs can fly"

I had the mindset of just staying like this my whole life...

be a tomboy...be single...not get a boyfriend...

I lied to myself that I didn't care. 

One morning, I weighed myself.

 99.7 kg

Something inside me ticked.

I can't carry on like this. I must change. For me. 

Determined. Motivated. Driven.

I wanted to be healthy, to feel beautiful, be confident

do stuff and fulfill dreams that I never thought I'll be able to do.

So on the 12th of July 2010, 

I started my weight loss journey.. 

Photo of me taken every month. July 2010-Oct 2011. 40kg lighter.

totally changed my diet. 

refrained from the "bad stuff" and exercised.

I would google nutrition facts & read through food blogs when I'm hungry

Imagine that I'm eating them & that would've been enough.

I weighed myself everyday. and the weight loss was drastic.

I would lose about 2.5kg/week.

for the first 3 months.

I lost a remarkable 30kg...

But I was so caught up in losing weight, I neglected my health.

"wah you lost so much weight! how did you do it? you must feel really good now."

yeah I was proud of myself. 

but I became moody, weak and pale.

no longer the humorous out-going girl that I used to be.

That's not all...

I lost a lot of hair. 

Each time I run my fingers through, 10 strands would fall out.

it was crazy. 

I was depressed.

My hair was my crowning glory.

Something girls cannot live without.

It was the asset that I was most proud of when I was fat.

I refuse to crumble to this self-harm I'm committing unconsciously.

I tuned my diet.

added in food groups and was less harsh on myself.

My mood improved and I started to have energy again.

Though I might have lost a lot of weight,

the confidence that I thought I would have gained was still not there.

I did not have the courage to wear sleeveless tops or shorts.

And would always feel as if people are still judging me as 'fat'

All I wore was still shirts, jackets, jeans.

And I still stuck with straight rebonded hair.

NOT GOOD.

This was not what I started my journey for!!

I wanted to feel beautiful! To wear pretty clothes!

December 2011 - My hair loss was less drastic. 

I wanted to reward myself.

I permed my hair.

My new curls gave me life.

I gained confidence.

I tried make-up.

I put down my specs and had contacts for the first time.

I feel beautiful.

(:

December 2011- Present Me

Till today, I'm still cautious about what I eat. 

Still a little over-paranoid.

Still counting my calories.

But at least I'm happy. 

I'm back to the girl I was. 

The girl who would laugh and joke around.

And at the same time, now 45kg lighter

I became a brand new person.

I gained confidence, 

& new dreams to achieve and work hard to.

I even joined a certain modelling competition which I talked about in my 'Profile'

and will probably do a post about it soon :)

So to the girls and boys out there.

Believe that it's possible.

my secret to success: Self-Discipline

It may be difficult at first, especially for food-lovers like me.

there may be sacrifices,

people who pull you down & don't understand what you're going through

"just eat la, see i eat so much still so skinny"

but remember, you're doing it for a better you.

and there'll be many supporting you along the way, 

including me

Life will definitely become more exciting. 

more opportunities will open. more adventures to venture.

This is a lifestyle change, a turning phase

trust me, it WILL get easier!!!

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.

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Lastly, I would like to dedicate this post to my family and friends

who gave me tremendous support throughout this journey.

you guys give meaning to the person i am today.

thank you.

L.O.L,
Kylie

p.s. my first crush eventually got a girlfriend. she's a really sweet girl!
       & I'm genuinely happy for him, really am. hahaha. like I said, this is a change for a better you!^^